Эта студенческая пьеса сочинилась в 1990 году. В разгар Гласности и Перестройки. Когда рушились устои и трещали швы, казалось бы, абсолютно незыблемой советской империи. Это было фантастически интересное время. Время диспутов, дискуссий и «круглых столов». Время талонов на гречку и розыгрышей женских сапог. Вчерашние вожди нарекались мерзавцами, а те, кого прежде называли врагами, становились лидерами нации. В моду вошли слова «плюрализм», «консенсус» и «плебисцит». Государь-император обаятельно путал ударения в словах, а на съезд народных депутатов впервые пробились по-настоящему народные избранники. По телевизору сутки напролет крутили прямые трансляции этого съезда, и публика не могла отвести свои взгляды от экранов. В университетской столовой православный Владыка Мануил демократично дискутировал с наркоманом и неформалом Сидом, а заведующий кафедрой матанализа, не щадя живота, боролся с алкоголизмом и сионистским заговором. С этими целями он оборудовал близ кафедры информационный стенд, на заставке коего Георгий-Победоносец протыкал копьем зеленого змия, хвост которого аллегорично был увенчан зловещей шестиконечной звездой. Профессору противостояли отчаянные доценты кафедры информатики, руководимые другим профессором – Владимиром Ильичем. Единственно, фамилия у этого Владимира Ильича была не та, что прежде. Очень было интересное время. Страстное.
Действующие лица
Гамлет — принц Датский. Хронический алкоголик. Львиное, благородное сердце.
Гертруда — мать его. Очень неравнодушная женщина.
Призрак — тень отца его. Терпеть не может Фортинбраса. За занудство.
Клавдий — брат его покойника-отца. Ныне муж матери его. Отличный мужик. Один недостаток — король Дании.
Фортинбрас — убежденный противник правящей клики. По идейным соображениям. Большая умница.
Полоний — министр-хозяйственник. Эпизодический старик. Сразу видно — не жилец.
Офелия — божественное создание
Лаэрт — красивый мальчик
Горацио — приятель принца. Студент. Сплошное обаяние.
Розенкранц
Гильденстерн
Бернардо — абсолютный идиот. Тем и привлекателен, стражник.
Марцел — хорош по-своему. Но все равно стражник.
Первый мужик
Второй мужик
Третий мужик
Первая дама
Вторая дама
Третья дама
Бродячие актеры — они еще споют.
Сцена 1
Противная, темная ночь. Атмосфера гнетущая. Мрак и ужас. Ветер воет. Гром грохочет. Чайки стонут. Пингвин прячет. Бернардо, Марцел и Горацио в бликах молний бросаются навстречу подвыпившему Гамлету. Горацио печален, Марцел зловещ, Бернардо бодр. Все очень серьезны.
Горацио
(печально)
Наш Гамлет, мы должны предупредить.
Гамлет
(легкомысленно)
Предупредить?.. Ну что ж, предупреждайте.
Бернардо
(бодро)
Подгнило что-то в Датском государстве!
Гамлет
С кем не бывает. Погниет, побродит
и снова пышным цветом зацветет.
И это все?
Марцел
(зловеще)
О принц, уж забродило!
Гамлет
(оживляясь)
Что забродило? Господи, прости!
Горацио
ОН забродил. Мой добрый принц, крепитесь.
ОН снова бродит, паразит такой.
Бернардо и Марцел его видали.
Гамлет
(угасая)
Карл с Фридрихом1 его видали тоже.
Да обознались. Надо меньше есть
сырые помидоры на ночь глядя.
Марцел
Карл с Фридрихом ошиблись — это верно.
Но вот Горацио, считавший это нашей
фантазией и в жуткое видение
не веривший, сам убедился — призрак забродил.
Бернардо
Подгнило в государстве — он и бродит!
Сливайте воду, открывайте шлюзы!
Гамлет
(угаснув)
И что ж он хочет?
Бернардо
Орган Фортинбраса!
Помять, порушить, покромсать, пожечь!
Гамлет
(индифферентно)
Какая первобытная жестокость.
Так-таки орган? Бедный Фортинбрас.
Горацио
Печатный орган.
Марцел
Стенд «За трезвый образ».
Горацио
Который выпускает Фортинбрас,
как лидер Общества непьющих земледельцев2.
Бернардо
А призрак хочет этот стенд кромсать!
Гамлет
(любознательно)
Стенд Фортинбраса? Доктора наук?
Ученого, которому корова
с возлюбленной в один день принесли
одна теленка, а другая — сына?
Горацио
Да, Гамлет. Этот самый Фортинбрас
и твой отец покойный, Гамлет-старший,
друг друга очень люто не любили.
Марцел
То папа ваш ему какую гадость
подбросит в суп, то Фортинбрас в ответ
ее на папу же обратно сплюнет.
Бернардо
А между тем, ведь оба бакалавры!
Антиллигенты, «Капитал» прочли!
Подгнило что-то в Датском государстве!
Гамлет поражен в самое сердце. Остальные продолжают беседовать в тех же тонах.
Гамлет
Позвольте, господа, так вы хотите…
Вы намекаете, что этот новый призрак
никто иной, как мой покойник-папа?
Какая чушь! Он бледен иль багров?
Горацио
Чернь с серебром.
Марцел
Совсем Чернецкий3 призрак.
Гамлет
Чернецкий, говоришь? Ну, значит, он.
Сидел бы в небесах себе. Пил пиво.
Нет. Надо стенды рушить по ночам!
Появляется самый настоящий Призрак. Он очень сосредоточен и целеустремлен. Движется мимо, сопя и почесываясь.
Горацио
Вот он идет, мой принц. Вооруженный
от пят до темени. Своим надменным шагом.
Гамлет
Останови его, Марцел.
Марцел
Но как?
Бернардо
Ударить протазаном?
Гамлет
(вдруг спокойно)
Погоди же.
Зачем мешать хорошему занятью?
Пусть рушит стенд. Коли других забот
у докторов наук уже не стало.
Бернардо
(заражая уверенностью)
Подгнило что-то в Датском государстве!
Сцена 2
Из темноты все неизбежнее и неизбежнее надвигаются шаги. Наконец, они оборачиваются Фортинбрасом со соратниками. На них игривые полосатые костюмы. Все четверо очень милы. Гамлет с товарищами пока что находятся вне поля их видимости.
Марцел
(как обычно зловеще)
А вот и Фортинбрас с отрядом легок.
Бернардо
(как всегда бодро)
С отрядом легок на помине Фортинбрас!
Фортинбрас
(мужикам, непримиримо)
Соратники! Король сегодня кутит!
За здравье пьет и кружит в бурном плясе!
Все негодуют.
Первый
За здравье пьет?! Будь проклят тот король!
Все негодуют.
Фортинбрас
Тупой разгул на запад и восток
позорит нас среди других народов;
нас называют пьяницами, клички
дают нам свинские!
Гамлет
(выходя)
День добрый, господа!
Фортинбрас
(удовлетворенно)
Соратники, пред вами младший Гамлет.
Папаша пил — и вот вам результат.
Живой пример последствий алкоголя:
одышка, полнота, дебильный вид.
Второй
Да, видно сразу, генотип нарушен.
Третий
И генофонд, и генокрокодил.
Горацио
(появляясь)
Сам генотип! От генотипа слышу!
Фортинбрас
Его отец скончался под забором,
в пыли, в саду, в цвету своих грехов.
Врасплох, не причащен и не помазан.
Под бременем своих несовершенств.
Марцел
(выходя)
Позвольте, господа.
Фортинбрас
(очень удовлетворенно)
Еще один.
Затылок характерный. Шея. Явно
зачат он был в угаре пьяных дел.
Бернардо
(выходя)
Все, хватит! Сейчас ударю протазаном4!
Первый
А это кто? Лоб узкий, взор бездумный?
Второй
Мельчает нация. Солдаты как горох.
Третий
Типичный генетический отбросок.
Фортинбрас
(потирая руки)
Соратники! Виною алкоголь!
Пойдемте на заводы, в люди, в массы!
Пойдем — спасем народ!
Фортинбрас с соратниками удаляется бойким опереточным шагом. Оплеванные участники полемики остаются, недоуменно уставившись в даль.
Из-под земли выскакивает расстроенный, негодующий призрак.
Призрак
Ну, мужики!
Терпеть такое может только камень!
Каков наглец! И ты хорош, сынок!
Так позволять обсмаркивать папашу.
Усопшего, замечу, в страшных корчах.
Уж я, на что покойник, да и то…
Какой же ты дебил? Цветущий хлопец!
Кровь с молоком! Бутуз! Ален Делон!
Марцел
Ой, дух заговорил!
Горацио
Какая прелесть!
Бернардо
Гниет в отчизне, я предупреждал!
Гамлет
(бия себя в грудь, торжественно)
О, рать небес, земля, вода и бездна!
За поруганье памяти отца,
меня и бедной Дании в придачу
я отомщу! А в гневе я страшён!
Сцена 3
Покои Гертруды. Пышнотелая, сердобольная женщина мучается вечными вопросами.
Гертруда
Мать или не мать — вот в чем вопрос.
Что благородней духом — раствориться
в домашнем очаге, среди кастрюль,
кормить детей, стирать портянки мужу,
быть матерью лишь сыну своему
иль, ополчась на море смут, сразить их
противоборством? Мамой быть для всех?
Появляется Фортинбрас. Сразу видно, с важным известием.
Фортинбрас
Гертруда-мать, когда б таких детей
Вы никогда не посылали миру…
Гертруда
О чем Вы, Фортинбрас? Я не пойму.
Фортинбрас
Я только что встречался с Вашим сыном.
Гертруда
С моим Гомулькой? Он уже большой?
Фортинбрас
Еще какой. Но разве в этом дело?
Гертруда
И в этом тоже, храбрый Фортинбрас.
Так хочется порою, не поверишь,
с ним повидаться, поприжать к груди.
Фортинбрас
Коль есть к чему прижать, за чем же дело?
Гертруда
Дела, заботы. Думаешь, легко
быть датской мамой в Датском королевстве?
Фортинбрас
Конечно нелегко… Ну, в общем, так…
Я пригляделся к Гамлету — он дурик.
Гертруда
Кто-кто?
Фортинбрас
Олигофрен. Дебильный тип.
Наследственность сказалась.
Гертруда
Прекратите!
Фортинбрас
Принц Гамлет в незастегнутом камзоле,
без шляпы, в неподвязанных чулках…
Гертруда
Не может быть!
Фортинбрас
Увы, Гертруда, может!
В чулках запачканных, спадающих до пят!
Гертруда
До пяток?!
Фортинбрас
С голой шеей!!!
Гертруда
С шеей голой!!?
Но это слишком! Это чересчур!
Фортинбрас
Стуча коленями. Бледней…
Гертруда
Чего?!
Фортинбрас
Сорочки.
Он повстречался мне.
Гертруда
Он умоисступлен.
Фортинбрас
(крепко жмет ей руку)
Соратница! Разгульный образ жизни
его отца дал этот страшный плод.
Почтительный стук.
Гертруда
Кто там?
Полоний
(появляясь)
Полоний.
Гертруда
Здравствуйте, Полоний.
Слыхали, что сказал олигофрен?
Фортинбрас
(обиженно)
Я Фортинбрас зовусь, моя царица.
Гертруда
(рассеянно)
Ах, да, простите… Кстати, я о чем?
Фортинбрас
О вашем сыне…
Гертруда
(увлеченно)
Точно, об общагах.
Полоний, в общежитиях бардак.
Там завелись какие-то бродяги.
Ширяются в курилках, на горшках
киряют, трах…
Полоний
(отчаянно)
Гертруда!
Гертруда
… в ду́ше.
Фортинбрас
Ваше Величество, подумайте о сыне.
Гертруда
Они все дети мне.
Гамлет
(из-за дверей)
О! Мать! Мать! Мать!
Полоний
О боже, Гамлет!
Фортинбрас
Белая горячка!
Гертруда
(нежно)
Сыночек, зайка, не ругайся так.
(Решительно.)
Ховайтесь, чуваки, он полоумен.
Полоний и Фортинбрас прячутся в разные места.
Гамлет врывается. Лик его ужасен. Движенья быстры. Он прекрасен.
Гамлет
Где этот патриот, Гертруда-мама?
Где этот жалкий суетливый шут?
Гертруда
Послушай, маленький, кого ты ищешь тут?
Гамлет
Где этот нетопырь? Где эта жаба, мать?
Гертруда
Во-первых, сын, не матерись, присядь.
Сними сейчас же шляпу в помещеньи.
Гамлет
(кровожадно)
О, бедный мой отец! Грядет отмщенье!
Он там, я слышу шорох. Убиваю.
(Колет в то место, где спрятан Полоний.)
Полоний
(выходя констатирует)
Меня зарезали.
(Падает.)
Гамлет
(огорчаясь)
Не тот. Беда какая.
Сцена 4
Утро следующего дня. Щебечут птицы. Колышутся травы, играют дети. Гамлет очень неловко себя чувствует.
Горацио его понимает. С грустью глядят на невинно резвящегося неподалеку Лаэрта.
Горацио
Вот благородный юноша Лаэрт.
Гамлет
Красивый мальчик.
Горацио
Для такого папы,
как был Полоний, даже чересчур.
Гамлет
Мне жаль его. Как беззаботен взор.
Еще не знает, бедный, что случилось
вчера с его отцом.
Горацио
(Лаэрту, печально.)
Лаэрт, послушай.
Лаэрт
(оборачиваясь)
Что вам угодно, господа? О, принц,
Горацио. Я рад вас видеть.
Гамлет
Мы тоже рады…
(Заметно страдает.)
Бедный наш Лаэрт.
Горацио, скажи, я не решаюсь…
Он так невинен, светел, невесом.
Горацио
(совсем печально)
Лаэрт, ты уже взрослый. Я прошу,
мужайся. Знаю, будет очень больно
известие такое пережить.
Лаэрт
(встревоженно)
О, господа, не мучайте, в чем дело?
Горацио
(обняв юношу за плечо)
Полоний — твой отец — вчера зарезан
в покоях мамы Гамлета Гертруды.
Несчастный случай, глупая ошибка.
Принц перепутал. Он казнит себя.
Лаэрт
(облегченно вздохнув)
И это всё? Какая, право, мелочь.
Есть поважнее в Дании дела.
Гамлет
(плохо понимая)
Наш мальчуган, похоже, спятил с горя.
Лаэрт
(распаляясь)
Горком себя изжил, вот в чем загвоздка.
Как аппарат изжил себя горком5.
Гамлет
(ничего не понимая)
Поехал, точно. Юноша… Подросток…
Приди в себя. О чем ты говоришь?
Какой горком? Я ухайдакал папу!
Скорблю!
Горацио
Скорбит.
Гамлет
И слезно извиняюсь.
Готов смыть кровью то, что наследил!
Лаэрт
(искрясь и сверкая)
Совет секретарей. Вся соль в первичках6.
Гамлет
(в ужасе)
В первичках соль? Конечно, ожидал,
что огорчится парень, но не так же.
Какая соль? В каких первичках, детка?
Лаэрт
(раздраженно)
Но что Вы зарядили, принц, ей-богу?
Убили папу, не убили папу —
какая разница? Горком изжил себя!
Гамлет добит окончательно.
Горацио
(пытается привести принца в чувство скороговоркой)
Конечно, Гамлет, папой больше, папой меньше,
пусть мальчик борется.
Гамлет
(тихо)
Несчастное дитя!
Лаэрт
(уходя)
Как аппарат нас тянет вниз. Вы б знали!
Инициативу душит на местах!
Далек от нужд и чаяний народа!
(Оборачиваясь, нежно.)
Отца похороните. Жалко батю.
Он так меня любил…
(Уходит.)
Вся соль в первичках!
Горацио
(констатирует факт)
Подгнило что-то в Датском государстве.
Гамлет
(кивая)
Ужасный век, ужасные сердца!
Горацио
(с чувством выполненного долга)
Что ж, слава Богу, кажется, у сына
претензий нету к вам. Но вот малышка.
Гамлет
(заботливо)
Горацио, я так ее люблю.
Как ей сказать? Она совсем ребенок.
Известие ее, боюсь, убьет.
Появляется Бернардо. Он очень бодр. Хотя не более обычного.
Бернардо
Дочь Вами убиенного министра —
Офелия — сидит на берегу ручья
и…
Гамлет
(с избытком чувств)
Плачет?
Бернардо
Нет, мой принц!
Гамлет
(чрезвычайно выразительно)
Смеется?
Что делает она — мой мотылек,
моя стрекозка, мой воздушный шарик?
Бернардо
Она сидит в кругу других девиц,
довольно странных видом, и играет!
Во что играет, я не разглядел!
Горацио
Ну что ж, идите, принц, мы ждем поодаль.
Гамлет уходит.
Бернардо
(ухмыляясь)
Ужасно щекотливый поворот.
Жених убил отца своей невесты,
и должен ей об этом сообщить.
Горацио
(нравоучительно)
Ему не позавидуешь, Бернардо.
Сцена 5
Лужайка. Офелия и придворные дамы самоотреченно дуются в карты.
К ним, раскрыв объятия, поспешает Гамлет.
Гамлет
Офелия, о нимфа, что с тобою?
Офелия
(неожиданным тоном)
Валите лесом, принц, мне не до Вас.
Гамлет
(идиотски хихикнув)
Офелия, це ж я, твой лягушонок,
твой серый козлик, зайчик, петушок.
Первая дама
(словно вбивая гвоздь)
Послушай, козлик, травку пощипай.
И не мешай: не видишь — мы при деле.
Гамлет
(будто он и есть тот гвоздь)
Офелия, опомнись, ты ли это?
Что за холодность? Неприступный вид?
Какие-то вульгарные девицы?
Во что играете?
Вторая дама
(продолжая забивать)
В очко, наш господин.
И правда, шли бы от греха подальше.
Гамлет
(продолжая забиваться)
Во что, во что?! В очко?! Вы что, сдурели?!
О нимфа, прекрати! Ты ж как цветок,
нежна, воздушна и благоуханна.
И вдруг очко! Уйдем! Уйдем отсюда!
Третья дама
(добив)
Пошли Вы, принц, туда, во что играем.
Длительная пауза.
Гамлет
(словно Герда перед Каем)
Офелия, пойдем поговорим.
Ты гавань тихая, ты ручеек журчащий.
Брось этих девок. Будем щебетать
Про живопись, стихи, про лунный вечер.
Офелия
(подняв тяжелый, очень усталый взгляд)
О Боже, принц, какая Вы зануда.
Какая живопись?! Какие к черту рифмы?!
Намедни был из Франции фрегат,
груженный сапогами из Парижу.
Вся Дания сидит, в очко играет.
Разыгрываем обувь7.
Гамлет
(решаясь на крайний шаг)
Что за черт!
Офелия! Вчера, случайно!..
Я, по ошибке!.. заколол отца…
Ты сирота! Брось карты! Плачь, о нимфа!
Офелия
(спокойно)
Какая жалость, принц, я это знаю.
А сейчас уйдите. Не до Вас, ей-богу.
На тридцать женщин — пара башмаков.
Гамлет
(сдавшись окончательно)
Ты чекнулась. Она сошла с ума.
Горацио
(подходя)
Подгнило в государстве, милый Гамлет.
Прав Бернардо. Пойдемте. Пусть играют.
(Уводит громко икающего Гамлета прочь.)
Сцена 6
Тронный зал. Там, по-видимому, происходит что-то очень важное. Клавдий спокоен и серьезен, Гертруда сосредоточена, Розенкранц и Гильденстерн нацелены на борьбу, Лаэрт петушится и рвется в бой. Все очень серьезны.
Клавдий
(спокойно и серьезно)
Я вас собрал, чтоб нáчать8 разговор.
Нешутошный… Да… Нелицеприятный.
Чтоб прямо все обсýдить, без затей…
Без экивоков, знаете ли… Зáдать
вопросы хóчу вам, туда-сюда.
Гильденстерн
(берет слово)
Мы с Розенкранцем, государь, считаем…
Клавдий
(спокойно и серьезно)
Вот и прекрасно, господа. Я рад.
Вас опредéлим в счетную комисью.
И там считайте, сколько хватит сил.
Лаэрт
(петушась)
Вся власть — первичкам! Побоку регламент!
Клавдий
(не меняя тона до конца дебатов)
Я думаю, что регламе́нт нужо́н.
Гертруда
(сосредоточенно)
Мент завсегда нужо́н. Я утверждаю,
как женщина, как мать, как гер. труда.
Клавдий
Голосуём в порядке поступленья.
Гертруда
Чего суём? Не очень поняла.
Клавдий
Остауте процедурные вопросы.
Гертруда
Кто процедура? Сам процедурак!
Розенкранц
Давайте будем вежливы друг к другу.
Появляется Офелия в рубище, босая. Напевает «Ноги босы, голо тело и едва прикрыта грудь.» Падает на колени перед Клавдием, обхватывает его за ноги.
Офелия
(истошно)
Дай! Не корысти ради! Токмо волей
пославшей мя жены.
Гертруда
Чего-чего?!!!
Клавдий
Насилуют. В парламенте. При людях.
Быть может, это не транслирова́ть?
Щекотно же… Вот здесь не надо трогать.
Гертруда
(с укоризной)
Бесстыжая.
Клавдий
Пусть все уйдут.
Офелия
Хочу!
Гильденстерн
Пусть всё творится на глазах народа!
Розенкранц
Вот подлинный, прекрасный плюрализм!
Офелия
Хочу сапог!
Лаэрт
Монархию к ответу!
Клавдий
Вы оба хо́чете чрезмерно, господа.
Нельзя ж так сразу… Мы́шление, я вижу…
Гертруда
Мышь во дворце?! Я больше не могу.
То мужа щупают блудливыми руками,
то процедурой назовут, то мышь.
Розенкранц
Буксует правовое государство!
Входят Фортинбрас с Мужиками. Дискуссия, наконец, приобретает законченный вид.
Фортинбрас
(с места в карьер)
Соратники, тяжелое наследье
досталось нам от прошлых королей.
Вино, портвейн, шампанское и пиво.
Первый
Денатурат.
Второй
Горилка.
Третий
И ликер.
Все трое
Одеколон.
Фортинбрас
И прочая зараза.
Уносят пять мильонов жизней в год.
Клавдий
Тут надо посоветовáться.
Вы по повестке или просто так?
Фортинбрас
Какая разница? Я Данию спасаю.
Вчера погиб еще один из нас.
Невинной жертвой пал старик Полоний.
В горячке белой выпивший маньяк
его наткнул на шпагу как на вертел.
Гертруда
(мило улыбнувшись)
Ах да, мой милый, я совсем забыла,
надысь наш Гамлет кокнул старичка.
Гильденстерн
Раскольников выискался. Бесправна!
Розенкранц
И беззаконна Датская земля!
Клавдий
Вы счетная комиссия? Считайте.
Не отвлекайтесь. Надо — позовем.
Еще хоть кто видал, что Гамлет болен?
Офелия
Видала я, он явно не в себе.
Талдычит про отца, мол, плачь, о нимфа.
Хоть видит же, что я совсем боса,
и для страданий есть причины круче.
Лаэрт
И я видал. Иду, а он как прыгнет!
Наперерез со шпагой! И зудит:
«Хочу смыть кровью, кровью, кровью, кровью!..»
Розенкранц
Кошмарный тип!
Гильденстерн
Маньяк. Кровавый монстр.
Гертруда
(нежно)
Бедняжка, разве можно мыться кровью?
Он так дрожал, когда вошел ко мне,
глаза горели, ножки подгибались.
Фортинбрас
(удовлетворенно)
Симптомы налицо. Коль так пойдет,
он перережет всех в своем безумстве.
Клавдий
Есть предложенье пренья прекратить.
Наверное, согла́симся. Напрелись.
Я понял так: принц Гамлет возомнил,
что для детей отец дороже дела,
важней судеб страны… Это болезь.
Гертруда
Как будто бы не в Дании родился.
Клавдий
Пусть прекращает эту колбасню.
Розенкранц
Мы с Гильденстерном, государь, считаем…
Клавдий
(вдруг приветливо)
Привет вам, Розенкранц и Гильденстерн.
Вы очень кстати. Вам уже известно
преображенье Гамлета?
Розенкранц
Увы.
Клавдий
Кого встречает, колет, рубит, режет.
Лаэрт
Убил папаню.
Фортинбрас
Всюду сеет смерть.
Клавдий
Наш сан не может потерпеть соседства
опасности, которою всечасно
грозит нам бред его и тьме людей,
живущих и питающихся нашим
Величеством.
Офелия
Эк, завернул, барбос.
Клавдий
А вы ведь с ним товарищи по парте.
Гильденстерн
Мы беспартийны. Это клевета.
Клавдий
По школьной парте.
Гертруда
По горшку детсада.
Он, маленькие, часто вспоминал.
И верно, нет на свете двух людей
ему любезней.
Клавдий
Так что приготоутесь,
общаясь с ним, вовлечь его в забавы,
и так разведать, чем же он подавлен,
и что, узнав, мы властны исцелить.
Гертруда
Авось, по старой дружбе вас не тронет.
Розенкранц
Король и королева, мы не скроем,
для нас большая честь доверье ваше.
Гильденстерн
И ваше отношенье к нашей дружбе
для нас большая честь.
Розенкранц
Должны сказать,
что дружба — это самое святое
и ценное, что только создал бог.
Гильденстерн
Но сейчас в стране такие перемены.
Розенкранц
Вопросы на повестке дня стоят.
Офелия
Конечно же. Чего б другое встало.
Гертруда
Какая пошлость. Зайка, ты о чем?
Офелия
О сапогах. А Вы о чем решили?
Розенкранц
Вопросы — судьбоносы, так сказать.
Гильденстерн
Этапные, глобальные как скалы!
Розенкранц
До дружбы ль тут?
Гильденстерн
Кой черт она сдалась?!
Розенкранц
Даешь свободный выезд за границу!
Гильденстерн
Долой железный тюль!
Клавдий
Я понял так:
вы хо́чете уехать. В глушь — в Европу.
А Гамлет пусть нас режет тут, как кур?
Так не пойдет.
Лаэрт
Монархию к ответу!
Клавдий
Пойдем на компромисс. Мы вам — вы нам.
Мы дáдим вам вполне свободный выезд.
Но Гамлета придется взять с собой.
Гертруда
Корабль готов. Благоприятен ветер.
Ждут спутники. И Англия вас ждет.
Розенкранц
Как мало нынче нужно, чтоб уехать.
Гильденстерн
Корабль, ветер и в нагрузку псих,
который гасит всех, кого попало.
Розенкранц
Прощай, страна рабов, страна господ.
Уходят.
Фортинбрас
Хорошую Вы, Клавдий, взяли моду.
Какой пример для жителей страны?!
Коль карой за убийство — ссылка в Лондон,
гражданской нам не миновать войны.
Клавдий
Таков закон, расплатою убийцам —
смерть для вассалов, заграница — принцам.
Сцена 7
Через год. Гамлет возвращается на родину. Вдыхает дым, идущий от отечества. Он ему приятен. Горацио, Марцел и Бернардо встречают его в порту.
Все счастливы, возбуждены, не могут друг другом налюбоваться и беспрерывно улыбаются.
Марцел
По датскому обычаю — хлеб-соль.
Бернардо
Вернулась наша гордость, наша слава.
Горацио
Облобызнемся, принц. Я говорил,
Вы датский Солженицын, Ростропович,
Вы наш Синявский или Даниэль.
Как заграница?
Гамлет
Кризис, кризис, кризис.
Немного ностальгии, пинта секса,
коррупция. Но, в общем, хорошо.
Горацио
Как Розенкранц и Гильденстерн?
Гамлет
Убиты.
Боролись с мафией за счастье и прогресс.
Возглавили движенье «Красный Гдлянец»9.
Взорвались в лифте.
Горацио
Жалко.
Гамлет
Как у вас?
Горацио
Всё как и прежде.
Марцел
Строим, строим, строим.
Бернардо
Офелия утопла.
Гамлет
Да вы что?!
Горацио
На нервной почве бросилась в пучину.
Гамлет
Какая жалость. Что же, помянем
ее в своих молитвах. Что с Лаэртом?
Горацио
Первички взяли власть в отдельно взятой
одной провинции. Он там теперь царем.
Питается кореньями и шишкой.
Безлунными ночами у купцов
ворует колбасу и помидоры.
Тем и живет.
Гамлет
Он этого хотел.
Как Фортинбрас?
Марцел
Купил электровеник,
барашка, каплуна и порося.
Горацио
Науку бросил. Сеет патиссоны.
Марцел
Гертруда-мать — народный депутат.
Горацио
А в целом, все по-прежнему.
Бернардо
Подгнило.
И с той поры без удержу гниет.
Гамлет
(наконец посерьезнев)
Вопрос — в чем корень этого несчастья?
Но нонича мне снился странный сон.
Во сне ко мне опять являлся призрак.
Горацио
Ваш мертвый папа? Что он говорил?
Гамлет
Он мне сказал про Клавдия такое,
что, только если папа не соврал,
за этим кроются все наши злоключенья.
Бернардо
Что он сказал?
Гамлет
Постой, не торопись.
Сегодня перед королем играют.
Одна из сцен напоминает то…
Горацио
В чем дядя Клавдий может быть замешан?
Гамлет
Вот именно. Прошу, когда начнут,
всей силою души следить за дядей.
И если в нем при зрелище таком,
сокрытая вина не содрогнется,
то значит, мне являлся адский дух.
Марцел
А содрогнется — значит, верен слух.
Сцена 8
Все оставшиеся в живых действующие лица собираются смотреть представление. Перед ними разыгрывается действие: хороводы, частушки, душещипательные народные песни, чрезвычайно русский колорит, баянисты, гармонисты, балалаечники и т. д., и т. п. В конце Клавдий выскакивает на середину, рвет на себе рубахи, пускается вприсядку. Боже! Как он хорош!
Клавдий
(от души)
Эх! Бляхи-мухи! Ухи на макухе!
Горацио
Мой принц, по-моему, подтвердились слухи.
Гамлет
(обнажает шпагу)
Мой дядя Клавдий — Дании король —
агент Москвы.
Марцел
(зловеще надвигаясь)
Шпиён! Ядрена конь!
Бернардо
(бодро помахивая протазаном)
За гниль отечества ответит супостат!
Гамлет
(сурово)
Молись, антихрист!
Клавдий
(на коленях)
Я не виноват.
Меня заставили.
Горацио
(видимо, что-то поняв)
Постойте, господа.
Король-чекист10 — конечно же, беда.
Но, я боюсь, не он всему виной.
Чтоб Дании приличной стать страной,
чтоб в Дании нормально стало жить,
нам всем друг дружку надо удушить.
Конец
1990
Примечания
- Карл с Фридрихом – согласно расхожему датскому преданию, Карл Маркс и Фридрих Энгельс однажды увидали призрак коммунизма. Тот бродил по Европе и до такой степени смутил разум двух друзей, что они написали Манифест коммунистической партии и взбаламутили им всю планету. Впоследствии выяснилось, что Карл и Фридрих обознались.
- Стенд «За трезвый образ» – в Датском университете, действительно, существовала настенная газета «За трезвость», выпускаемая профессором математики – несгибаемым борцом с алкоголизмом и сионизмом. Вскоре он вступил в партию ЛДПР, уехал в деревню, завел там корову и был счастлив.
- Чернецкий – непримиримым борцом с профессором математики, боровшимся за трезвость, был другой профессор математики, не боровшийся за трезвость. Вот именно с такой фамилией.
- Протазан – разновидность копья (или алебарды), почетное, колющее, древковое и очень-очень холодное оружие.
- Как аппарат изжил себя горком – в те далекие времена главными людьми в стране были секретари обкомов, райкомов да горкомов партии и комсомола. Вот только в Перестройку люди вдруг догадались, что это неправильно, и что все эти комы изжили себя. И не просто изжили, а исключительно «как аппарат».
- Вся соль в первичках – а на смену комам должны были прийти первички. Или, говоря чуть более понятным языком, первичные комсомольские или партийные организации. Инициатива, так сказать, на местах. Правда, и это не помогло.
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Winstrol delivers a extra grainy physique that gives
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Although Anadrol causes fluid retention, this stack is excellent as
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The key to reducing Anadrol’s fluid retention so you can nonetheless achieve a dry look on this stack is to maintain your sodium
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Winstrol is a popular steroid utilized by athletes and
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Originally developed for medical use and made famous by bodybuilders and athletes, Winstrol (Stanozolol) is
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Identified for its capability to protect lean muscle whereas accelerating fats loss,
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to hair loss and acne. On the other hand, Winstrol is extra highly effective and may provide more vital muscle features, but
it could possibly also trigger more androgenic unwanted effects.
The neatest thing about Winstrol is that it’s
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Understanding how Stanozolol works within the body can help in comprehending
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Additionally often identified as Winstrol, stanozolol
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If you do determine to stack, it is necessary to research and thoroughly consider
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When it comes to reaching your fitness goals, there are a number of choices available in the
marketplace. Nevertheless, not all supplements are created equal – especially when it comes
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Tom Coleman is a WBFF world champion who has over 1 million fans on Instagram.
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Winstrol is well known for its performance-enhancement benefits,
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In these cases, athletes are not taking
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For this purpose, Winstrol will typically be used alone, and
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Inevitably, with Winny, this relates to the
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Males who use Winstrol will primarily be making ready for a
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The androgenic nature of Winstrol can also promote virilization signs in ladies.
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We can not name it the most secure steroid for females, that might
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An necessary factor to contemplate when planning your Anavar stack is the numerous advantage of
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Primarily, this substance has made a reputation because of
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exercise classes. Nevertheless, it’s important to
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out potential dangers. Responsible utilization, keeping an eye fixed on side effects,
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Winstrol is a strong steroid with vital benefits but in addition serious dangers.
For the most effective outcomes, mix each weightlifting and cardiovascular coaching periods.
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